Humor and Jokes
name was Fleming and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One
day, while trying to make a living for his family, he
heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He
dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to
his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming
and struggling to free himself. Thinking and acting
quickly, farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could
have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the
Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed
nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the
father of the boy Fleming had saved. “I want to repay
you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s
“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the
farmer replied, waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door
of the family hovel. “Is that your son?” the
“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.
“I’ll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him
a good education. If the lad is anything like his
father, he’ll grow to a man you can be proud of.”
And that is what he did. In time, Farmer Fleming’s son
graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in
London and went on to become known throughout the world
as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of
Years afterward, the nobleman’s son was stricken with
pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the
nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name:
Holmes and Watson are camping in the desert; they set up
their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sherlock
Holmes wakes his friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
Watson replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Sherlock
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all
powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you,?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our
shall we play today?" said Florence to her best
friend Jenny. "Let's play schools," said
"OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be
did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
friend in need is?
Someone to avoid!
Top 10 Ways to Annoy People
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%,
extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's
what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your
head like a parakeet.
Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on
the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
Might Be A College Student
If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing
your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile
If you get more e-mail than mail.....